||[Jun. 8th, 2004|02:57 pm]
Men and Women who are Larger than Life
I'm about to whine for a short bit, so move on or be prepared.|
I am so tired of being so overweight. I'm 5'7 and hover between 250 and 260 pounds. I've been hovering there for years, though oddly, about a year ago I was about to have to change sizes from a 22 to a 24 -- then I went down and can comfortably wear a 20, even in jeans as long as the pants have a relaxed thigh.
I am tired of being uncomfortable all the time; it always amazes me, when I lift my belly how much tension it releases from my entire upper body. I remember I used to love being in the water for that reason -- fat floats -- but will not go near a bathing suit. I don't even own one.
I am tired of being tired. I never seem to have the energy to do any of the things that are really important to me. I do what I have to and no more.
My God, I don't even go to the doctor for a regular exam because I know she's going to lecture me about my weight.
I want to excercise. I have a lovely Windsor Pilates DVD that really isn't difficult at all. But I won't do it with witnesses in the house, and with a husband, two teenagers, and a housemate, it's hard to find 30 minutes of solitude.
I want to have more control over what I eat. But I LOVE good food. Control is so very difficult for me.
My husband wants to help me, and would if I'd let him. But he doesn't do anything with grace or tact. One word out of his mouth and he'd be on my BAD list.
I feel like I'm caught in some terrible loop and can't get out of it.
I'm so tired...
[/end of whine]